overflowing

I've decided to make a new journal for refreshment purposes.

The journal is monkey_pads

wow i feel pretty damn rejected, unappreciated, and ignored.


This is the most lost i've felt in a long time.

Once while standing in line at an underwear store, I overheard a saleswoman commenting on herself to a customer:
"There's nothing worse than a fat skinny person."

It stuck.

Today I ate a bagel with a tablespoon of cream cheese.
Then I had a carrot cliff bar a little later.
And then I had a cup of 100% applejuice.

So it's 11:12, and I need to get my mind out of the toilet, onto some homework, and grow the fuck up rather than feeling weighted by all this food. It's never half as bad a few hours later. Your perception begins to clear up a bit, and what seemed like the most ridiculous amount of crapfood ends up being not such a big deal. That is if I decide not to stuff my face for, what, the fourth? time today!

I bought some vegan numbers-and-chreeze from Whole Foods this morning after class. It was 300 calories, 1g of fat, 7g fiber, and 9g protein. These numbers are high. Very very high. But tolerable. I can take 300. Maybe a little later on.

I am not craving food, so that is good. I am not WANTING to eat right now, so that is, well, progress, I suppose for a raging bulimic such as myself. I'm not going to lie though. I want some laxatives. Badly. I really need them to clean my system out from this past weekend.

I also really need to finish my homework. I cleaned this morning, that was good. Maybe I'll nap. I am pretty tired. It's that whole hydrocodone thing. I swear, HC stays in my system for about a day, no joke. Pretty unbelievable since I have been popping them since seventh grade...

In other news, I haven't really purged all that much lately. It scares me shitless.

Hm.

So, this new year has been all the same old shit so far. Well, besides today and yesterday.

I had been binging HORRIBLY (we're talking pizzas and cakes and chocolates and peanut butter) for the past two weeks. So much, that I reached a record ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY ONE POUNDS!

Good job normandy! Way to go! Eating contest, anyone?

Okay but really. It was...draining, depressing, utterly upsetting, angering, saddening, sickening, disgusting, gluttonous, never-ending, and hopefully NOT going to ever happen again. What scared me most was that:
yes, I had some pretty heavy binges, BUT...
I really wasn't consuming all that much in between the binges. I mean, by a 'hi I'm restricting to 200 calories per day!' standpoint I was eating five times that much, but 1000 calories? That isn't really THAT much.

I ended up getting my period. Retaining water. Feeling horribly useless, lonley, confused as to what 'eating disorder' I actually had, because it seemed pretty nonexistent considering my waist size and that damn number on the scale.
But, miraculously, I have lost about twelve pounds, but am still at a sickly weight of 119. I HATE this number. I hate it like I hate...grapefruits, perhaps. And that's a-lotta-hate. But seriously. Ugh. It sends a shudder of disgust through my chest. But hey, it could be worse, right?
Talk about yo-yoing weight. Jesus.

But besides all of this eating disorder BULLSHIT, other things in my life are so very spectacular, you would think my life was perfect. And it is close to it- I am so thankful. Really, I am. So thankful that I feel a tremendous amount of guilt haning all around me when I even think about anything related to eating, restricting, purging, using drugs, etc. Because I shouldn't. I should live this life out fully, right?
Fuck it.

My parents re-did my entire house. Well, most of it atleast. My living room is full of new furniture, wall hangings, a beautiful contemporary screen, and full-blown comfy-ness. I changed out my bedroom furniture with some stuff we had in storage, and ma and paps bought me a brand new matress so I have a REAL bed now (I had a futon before...)! My old furniture is in the spare bedroom now, so there is sort of a 'guest room' now. I spent four hours cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen today. Rode my bicycle to starbucks because I have countless giftcards for there, got some yogurt/fruit/granola parfait thing and just got home.

I have been listening the SHIT out of Bob Dylan lately. I am addicted to his self-portrait album.

I feel refreshed. Oh, and this is how I spent my new years:
(  my friend mallory attacked me! )